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Well, it's finally happening. I'm talking about the long-predicted aging process. I see many signs of it in my own life. For example, I have become tremendously concerned about my gums. There was a time when I could go for decades without thinking about them, but recently they have come to loom far larger in my minds than the Greenhouse Effect. Also young people I meet keep using the word "Ma'am", causing me to whirl around and look behind me, expecting to see somebody with whom I associate this title, such as Nancy Reagan or Margaret Thatcher, only to realize that these young people are talking to me! Oh, and if I attempt to hit a golf ball without carefully stretching, I have to wait until approximately the next Presidential Administration before I can attempt to hit another one. Then, I also have long, animated conversations with my friends... friends with whom I used to "part hearty" and swim naked... on the importance of dietary fiber. Finally, and this is the most terrifying, I sometimes catch myself humming along to elevator music. Of course, I am not alone. Growing older is a major lifestyle trend, potentially even bigger than cable television. Millions of us, the entire legendary herd of Howdy Doody-watching, yo-yo spinning, Elvis-admiring, career-pursuing, insurance-buying, mortgage-paying, PTA-attending, tooth-flossing individuals, are lunging toward: The Golden Age. Yes, say it out loud: The Golden Age. We must now face up to the fact that we are no longer the hope for the future. The hope for the future now consists of the kids who like to shave their heads, wear "grunge" clothes, and ride skateboards off the tops of buildings. Nevertheless, we are living longer. Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal sprays, and diet Coke, it has become quite routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 60. As persons reaching this milestone, we need to take the time to learn about the biological changes that are taking place within our bodies, so that we will be better able to understand and cope with the inevitable and completely natural elements of the aging process... the minor aches, pains, dental problems, intestinal malfunctions, muscle deterioration, emotional instability, memory lapses, hearing and vision loss, greatly reduced limb function and, of course, painful hemorrhoidal swelling... that make up this exciting adventure we call the Golden Age.
As you're getting older, you're probably noticing that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party or somewhere else, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. The first few times you commit this type of faux pas, you tend to gloss it over. But eventually you start to worry, to wonder if maybe you could be coming down with whatshisname's disease. Well, let me offer you these kinds words of gentle reassurance: Don't be such a moron! The odds are that you are merely suffering from a very common condition for persons our age known technically to medical professional as "having a brain cluttered up with useless crap left over from 40 years ago." For example, to this very day I can remember the words to Shakespeare's Sonnet 18, which I had to memorize and recite in Seymour Slater's Senior English class... of course, your brain doesn't remember everything from your youth. Your brain shrewdly elects to remember only the truly useless things. This is why you can no longer do long division, but you can remember the name of the kid who ate the worm in third grade. And I'm not alone. If you surveyed this room tonight, you might find some who could tell you their blood type, but almost everyone would know the theme song from Howdy Doody. Right? Even now, your brain, which cannot remember more than two words of your wedding vows, is cheerfully singing: So now here we are in the late nineties, which means that regardless of how many gallons of Oil of Olay you smear on yourself, you're going to age faster than a day-old bagel in a hot dumpster. You need to think about this. You need to decide how you're going to deal with the fact that you're becoming an older person. There are many possibilities: denials, liposuction, face lift, hair transplant, dentures, etc., etc. Or, you can turn into a crusty old fart. This is definitely my plan. I figure that one of the major advantages of getting old is that you're allowed, even expected, to be eccentric and crotchety and just generally weird. Why not take advantage of this? Older people, if they play their cards right, van get away with almost anything. You just need to learn how to become a certified geezer. First is fashion... men should wear hats or caps at all times. They should always have their top shirt button buttoned, but not necessarily all the lower ones. For a casual summer look, men should wear a comfort-inducing armpit-revealing sleeveless undershirt, Bermuda shorts, and... this is very important... black knee socks with winged-tip shoes. Women should wear a "house dress" large enough to cover an actual house. It should always be the same one, and it should be worn everywhere, including to the beach and to funerals. Women should give their hair a very natural and pleasing look by dying it exactly the same color as a radioactive carrot. As for dealing with your children and grandchildren, when they come to see you, spend the entire time complaining to them about how they never come to see you. Now to driving... the geezer car should be as large as possible. If a fighter jet can't land o it, you don't want to drive it. You should grip the wheel tightly enough so that you cannot be detached from it without a surgical procedure, and you should sit way down in the seat so that you're looking directly ahead at the speedometer. You should select a speed in advance... 23 miles per hour is very popular... and drive this speed at all times, regardless of whether you're in town or on the Interstate. Finally, a geezer should announce his or her intimate medical problems. This is an excellent way to make new friends, especially in restaurants. "I can't eat this spicy food," you should announce to nobody in particular in a loud voice. "I got this armpit cyst the size of a regulation softball, and that spicy food plays hell with it. One time I was eating chili and, bang, the damn thing exploded, and there cyst contents flying everywhere,..." and so on. You get the idea. The main thing to remember about being a geezer is: don't be discreet. I see no reason why we should fade quietly away just because we're getting older. Let's not go out with a whimper. Let's go out proudly and loudly singing that rock and roll song from the Fifties, the anthem of our entire generation, the unforgettable song that spoke for all of us when it said.... when it said...ummm..jeez, how the hell did that song go? |
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Donated by A Thousand Words Media Sandra Rubin Kenney Class of '58 |
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